Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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