She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
