I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
