I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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