That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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