dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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