Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
