Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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