if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
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Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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