Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
