I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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