Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
