Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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