We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
