i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
