Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
