my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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