his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
