The maid of honor just puked.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
