operation harelip BJ is a go
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
