also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
