when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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