Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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