Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
