Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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