She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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