I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
