Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
