1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
