There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
