dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
