you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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