I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
