tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
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you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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