Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
