The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
