: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
