if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
