Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
