sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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