i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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