if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
