Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Never underestimate the power of titties
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
