I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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