on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
