before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She told me I should be a condom model.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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