I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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