4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
