it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
