too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
