If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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