ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
