Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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