I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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