The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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