I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
