dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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