It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
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I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
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You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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